


you make me feel (like i'm living)

by thimble



Series: SASO 2017 [18]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-09 02:16:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12266859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thimble/pseuds/thimble
Summary: Tatsuya has one arm draped over Taiga's shoulders and he's biting his lip in a way he must know is inviting (at the very least, someone must've told him before) and Taiga's trying his hardest to keep his hands on Tatsuya's hips where they can pass for innocent, because he can never be really sure what Tatsuya's feeling, or how he'd react to Taiga actually responding in kind.[kagahimu AU drabble dump for saso fills.]





	1. hot mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for [this](https://sportsanime.dreamwidth.org/22341.html?thread=12689477#cmt12689477) prompt.

It's not the first time they've gone out together like this — Tatsuya's tight jeans clinging to his long legs, anticipating buzzing on Taiga's skin like goose flesh, the two of them doing their best not to lose each other in the crowd however wild the night gets (they don't always manage to, but they do their best) — but it is the first time they're doing it alone. Somehow, all of Tatsuya's friends cancelled for the night, and Taiga had never been able to say no to Tatsuya so he isn't about to start now, which is how he ends up being pulled along to a new club, VIP treatment and everything, because Tatsuya knows the owner (or, more accurately, because Tatsuya knows everyone.)

The situation shouldn't be different from all those others times, because the only thing that's missing is the buffer provided by other people, but maybe that's what made the biggest difference and this was a mistake, all of it, letting Tatsuya order their drinks (his tolerance has always been better than Taiga's and basically anyone else's) and goad him into downing them, quickly and one right after the other (the taste had been too bitter, too overpowering, which is a good indication that they were too strong and that they're going to end up on his shoes, on the curb, sooner rather than later.)

The beat is pounding in his ears and under his feet and maybe letting Tatsuya drag him to the dance floor is yet another mistake, because even if they're bumping against other people's hips and shoulders Tatsuya has a way of looking at someone (in this case, looking at Taiga) like they're the only other person in the room, and there aren't any of Tatsuya's friends to see and tease Taiga about it later (which Taiga sometimes suspects is the only reason Tatsuya doesn't do this more often), so he looks, and looks, his gaze impossible to lose even in the flashing lights and the blinking darkness, and Taiga's flushing under his shirt from his throat to his chest.

Tatsuya has one arm draped over Taiga's shoulders and he's biting his lip in a way he must know is inviting (at the very least, someone must've told him before) and Taiga's trying his hardest to keep his hands on Tatsuya's hips where they can pass for innocent, because he can never be really sure what Tatsuya's feeling, or how he'd react to Taiga actually responding in kind.

Taiga, predictably so, ends up surrendering to the alcohol first (he lasts longer than he thought he would, a little into the early morning), and this time Tatsuya doesn't have to find him or he doesn't have to find Tatsuya, because they stayed together the whole time. In the cab Tatsuya lets Taiga lean heavy and warm on his shoulder, his hand stroking through Taiga's hair, gentle and wordless.

They get off at Taiga's house, with Tatsuya helping him through the door, then out of his clothes (no, not like that), then into his bed.

"Sorry we had to leave 'cause of me," mumbles Taiga, as Tatsuya strips off to lie beside him, like they used to when they were kids (even if they're older now and Taiga wants them to be so much more.)

"I was only there because of you," replies Tatsuya, eyes suddenly widening like maybe he'd said too much, but what could that mean, when Taiga thought along that it was the other way around?

"Huh," says Taiga instead, because his tongue won't cooperate. Tatsuya laughs, and the sound is so much closer to music than whatever it is they'd been playing at the club.

"You've always been clueless, Taiga. Good night." He rolls over to sleep, and Taiga can only stare at the way his hair spills over to the pillow, at the curve of his shoulder, bare and so easy to touch, if Taiga were only brave, or maybe stupid, enough.

Clueless about what?


	2. as his own soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for [this](https://sportsanime.dreamwidth.org/25713.html?thread=15944561#cmt15944561) prompt.

They slip out of the palace in the dead of night, while the moon is hidden by clouds and darkness shrouds the kingdom like spilled ink. Few things are carried on their backs for their horses are a distance away, unable to afford the noise of hooves beating against cobblestone. Like this, their steps are light, their shoulders unburdened by anything apart from the looming separation. But this is unavoidable, and one might even say this is the only path their lives could have taken, the two of destined to entwine and later forced to untangle.  
  
"My father thinks you'll usurp me," he'd told Taiga, after hearing the king's ravings. Never mind that he had once taken in Taiga for his own; it seems that, when it comes down to it, he still only has one son.  
  
Taiga takes a moment to reply, realizing what Tatsuya is implying. What used to be home for him must have suddenly seemed like hostile territory, because he's nervous when he looks up at Tatsuya and asks, "do you?"  
  
Tatsuya knows it is futile to regret this, just as it is futile to have ever avoided loving Taiga. Taiga, whose red hair seems almost black under moonlight, making them seem more like brothers than their appearances belie. Taiga, who is saying nothing—out of necessity, out of grief—as they take back roads and shadowed alleys, none of which befits two princes such as themselves. Taiga, who refuses to look at him, though Tatsuya also knows that this is Taiga's way of holding it together when it is so easy to fall apart.  
  
Sometimes something stirs in the quiet, and Taiga would press Tatsuya against the wall, in some hidden corner, neither of them breathing until there is nothing but silence again. Tatsuya takes in Taiga's warmth, the press of their bodies together, Taiga's face tucked into his shoulder, the smell of him that he hopes will linger on his clothes. When the threat subsides, so does their proximity, as they return on the move.  
  
After what seems like an eternity, but couldn't have been more than an hour, they finally reach the outskirts of the forest. Taiga, perhaps without really meaning to, reaches for his hand; Tatsuya squeezes it in return, and chooses to hold on so they wouldn't lose sight of each other in the trees. The moon shines bright now, and it is the only thing they can rely on to light their way. They reach the clearing faster, and and Taiga turns towards Tatsuya when he sees that there is only one horse standing in wait.  
  
"No, Tatsuya," he says, shaking his head. He's the one squeezing Tatsuya's hands now, both of them. "I can't do this alone."  
  
"I'm afraid you'll have to," says Tatsuya, his smile rueful but his voice resolute. "I can't leave the people to weather my father's madness."  
  
"Tatsu—" Taiga's eyes are filled with tears, which Tatsuya doesn't see as much as hear in his tone. Tatsuya pulls a hand away to take something from his pocket and press it into Taiga's palm.   
  
"I'll always be with you," he says, when Taiga glances down at the first prince's seal ring. This time, Tatsuya doesn't hear Taiga's tears as much as he feels them, when Taiga pulls him in for a kiss.   
  
It's their first. It might as well be their last.   
  
"Be safe," says Taiga, as he mounts his horse. Tatsuya is still smiling when their hands finally let go, though his eyes are burning too.  
  
"I should be the one telling you that."   
  
Tatsuya doesn't miss the look Taiga gives him, full of longing, and he's grateful to the moon for it. But when the horse starts running, he also doesn't miss that Taiga doesn't look back.


	3. only you know me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for [this](https://sportsanime.dreamwidth.org/21522.html?thread=10339090#cmt10339090) prompt.

Taiga knows him down to sinew and bone, but there still some things Tatsuya will never tell, some secrets he will always keep to himself.  
  


* * *

  
  
Secret number one: try as he might, he doesn't remember the first time they met.   
  
Taiga had described it in great detail, repeatedly, to anyone who would listen. Would assert that he didn't believe in fate, but still spoke of the experience like it had been preordained, the gods' gift to a boy with aspiration in spades and bottomless adoration for another boy barely a year older than he was.   
  
He'd followed Tatsuya's career for years, he'd say, his room decked out in posters and his CD shelf stacked with a full collection, the works. Had found it amazing that someone from Japan could make it big stateside, and had taken it upon himself to be just like him.  
  
It had been at an album signing, he'd continue, where Tatsuya had scrawled  _never give up!_  in his album booklet and looked right at him as if they were already friends.   
  
To be fair, it should've been difficult to forget a six foot three redheaded Japanese boy with a smile that rivaled the sun, but any number of factors could be at fault. Jet lag, for one, or the sheer number of autographs he'd signed, for another.   
  
He doesn't have the heart to tell Taiga any of this, so he commits every detail of the encounter to memory, and recites it, almost verbatim, when prompted at interviews and parties.   
  
It's just something you'd do, he reasons, if you had someone who looked at you like Taiga would look at him.  
  


* * *

  
  
Secret number two: the first time he remembers seeing Taiga happened in a place where Taiga couldn't have seen him.  
  
It hadn't been long after their supposed first meeting. Apparently, getting encouraged personally by his idol propelled Taiga into auditioning for a talent show, and its during one of the filmings, with a casually disguised Tatsuya in the audience, that Taiga first makes the country fall in love with him.  
  
He'd sung a little song he'd penned, so earnestly he could've made angels cry. His previous performances, Tatsuya would later learn, were louder, less subtle, and he'd been losing muse until he remembered something that someone he admired once said to him, only a few months ago.   
  
Fame has made Tatsuya less adept at recognizing faces than he'd like, but he'd recognize potential anywhere.   
  
This Taiga kid, he'd thought, could go far if he had someone to guide him.  
  
Then he took it upon himself to to be that person, and the rest is history.  
  


* * *

  
  
Secret number three: today isn't the first time he'd been jealous of Taiga's talent, and it won't be the last.  
  
It was a gradual process, not easy to pinpoint to a singular moment, and had begun long before all the media attention, the press releases, and the internet buzz shifted from the mentor to his student. To Tatsuya, it had been inevitable since their first duet. He had all the technical skill, the stage prowess, but Taiga didn't have to try so hard at commanding the eyes and ears of a crowd.  
  
He just  _did._  
  
Seasons would pass since then, and though Tatsuya never let himself fall behind, Taiga would maintain a lead. A small lead, so they could be equals in the charts if someone didn't look too closely, but it was a lead nonetheless.  
  
That is, until they were scheduled to perform one right after the other, and Tatsuya was slotted as the opening act.  
  
"It's a mistake," says Taiga and there's too much panic in his voice, as if he expects Tatsuya to be mad at him. He takes on the blame without being asked, without pause, "I'll tell them I can't do it, not after you."  
  
And it's a tempting offer, for Tatsuya. Taiga would've done anything for him when they were younger, and still would, now that they have a a couple of decades on them. All he has to do is say the word. It doesn't even have to be cruel; it just has to be anything but the truth.  
  
_It's all right. It's just a set list. The order doesn't mean anything_ , because it does.  
  
_I don't care which of us performs first,_  because he does.  
  
_You're right, I earned it,_  because he didn't.  
  
Maybe if it had been a few years ago, he would have said any of these, or worse. Would've let his fist speak for him, would've taken pleasure in stomping on the heart in his hands. Maybe his bitterness woud've won.   
  
But all of this is happening today, so he puts his palms on either side of Taiga's face and tilts it down, just a little, to make their foreheads touch.   
  
"Do anything like that and I'll never speak to you again." There's a soft kind of laughter in his voice; tender enough that Taiga won't take it the wrong way, but firm enough to get his point across. "You might not think you deserve this, but you do. And I'm rooting for you."  
  
He starts to shift back, but it's Taiga who keeps him in place this time, because from where they're standing it's easy to push their mouths together, to breathe in the moment, this one they're living now, before everything starts to change.   
  
"Thanks, Tatsu," says Taiga as they pull apart. "You always have my back."  
  
"And I always will," says Tatsuya, smiling, and finding that he means it.  
  


* * *

  
  
Taiga knows him down to heart and soul, but the thing is, Tatsuya knows him too; knows that nothing, not time or distance or fame, will alter the fact that every time they kiss, Taiga will taste the same as he always has.


	4. if you love me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for [this](https://sportsanime.dreamwidth.org/22341.html?thread=12871749#cmt12871749) prompt.

His mouth is a seamless line, pressed together in concentration as he summons moisture from the air and freezes it to according to his whims, betraying none of his inexperience and all of his fervor.  
  
He'd only come into this power recently, after all.  
  
The way he uses it might prove otherwise, his incessant practice paying off when it becomes easier and easier to shape and control ice as he saw fit. He tries not to get addicted to the fear in other people's eyes when they see him, but it's difficult — especially when it's stained with a touch of awe.  
  
All he'd ever wanted was to be worthy of respect, and this is the next best thing.  
  
Taiga catches him red-handed, and the ensuing fight takes them someplace abandoned, secluded, where Taiga can unleash his flames and Tatsuya can counter it at every turn, the two of them finally evenly matched. Finally equals.  
  
This won't earn him Taiga's respect, that much is certain, but it's not like Taiga has to know.  
  
When Taiga finally gets his hands on him, there's still hesitation in how he renders Tatsuya helpless, immobilized by an enemy's apparent compassion.   
  
("You didn't fight back. Why?")  
  
Even now, he can't finish the job.  
  
Even now, his big heart.  
  
Tatsuya hates him for it, just as much as he loves him.  
  
("Didn't I? Typical of a hero to think he's invincible."  
  
"There's no such thing. Only people who choose to do right and or do wrong.")  
  
Righteous anger radiates off the body on top of him in waves — the dizzying heat of it, this almost carnal intimacy reserved for people on opposite sides of the law — and Tatsuya would laugh, had he the oxygen, or the lack of self-restraint. It turns into a cruel little sound instead, a breathless huff the only thing he can muster with an arm shoved against his throat, but he thinks it does the trick.  
  
Typical Taiga. Easy to rile up, and even easier to let down.  
  
He isn't fazed what Taiga says; he expects as much from someone who's had everything handed to him by what they call fate, destiny, chance. It was inevitable, written in their DNA as much as it was in the stars. Tatsuya had been on the pedestal, once, but their positions have been reversed, and now Taiga's on top of the world while Tatsuya's just scraping by.  
  
No one should blame him for trying to make his own luck.  
  
("You must think you're above me, don't you?"  
  
"Enough. Villain or not, I won't kill you, but you won't get away this time either.")  
  
It gets harder and harder to quell the laughter at the back of his throat, the more Taiga talks.  
  
("Of course you won't. I never expected you to. It's not that you don't have the strength, or the righteousness.")  
  
He's remarkably composed for someone still unable to move, his ensuing smirk a teasing, nebulous thing.  
  
("You're not ruthless enough, are you?"  
  
"If murder is what it takes to be ruthless, I don’t want it.")  
  
There's something building between them, ever since the first time Taiga showed up at one of his excursions with the intent to capture and arrest. If the myth about red strings was true, the invisible thread connecting their fingers should be proof. Of all the heroes in the city, it had to be Taiga who tried to stop him.   
  
Not just once or twice, but on all of the missions he's sent on. God must be laughing at their little game of cat and mouse, one always destined to evade the other. Tatsuya's abilities will never amount to Taiga's innate power, and Taiga will chase his heels as long as he had anything to say about it.   
  
(“Besides, you haven’t killed me either. Or is that because you aren’t strong enough?”)  
  
"Maybe I'm not.")   
  
Tatsuya doesn't avert his gaze, and his smile dilutes with something akin to defeat.   
  
("Maybe I've developed a soft spot for you.")  
  
"Why? Why are you— What do you want with me?”)  
  
Sometimes, he feels like this, all of this between the two of them, has just been a series of mistakes that neither of them have the guts to take back, to atone for, or to put an end to. Striking up a friendship with someone of Taiga's potential was a mistake; Taiga deciding that Tatsuya was someone to admire was a mistake. The two of them — or one of them, because Taiga has only ever been genuine, putting up a farce because he's too scared (despite the envy and the loathing, he's still too goddamn scared to lose Taiga at all) — is a mistake.   
  
One could say that the cycle of bad decisions continue up to Tatsuya's choice to work for the other side of the law in exchange for just feeling good enough, but that's the mistake he can't undo the most.   
  
This moment, too, is riddled with them — Taiga's hold on him loosening, Taiga's angry expression cracking open, and Taiga's question, in demand for answers Tatsuya doesn't have.  
  
Except that's not true at all.   
  
("Fool. You shouldn't have let go.")  
  
With his hands free he weaves ice out of thin air to trap Taiga's arms, cementing him to the ground. It won't keep him for long, but maybe long enough for Tatsuya to lean upwards, to touch one cold palm to Taiga's throat, to steal a little warmth from Taiga's mouth with his own.   
  
It's fleeting, and the ice is melting, but instead of scurrying away Tatsuya stays where he is.  
  
("And you shouldn't have asked.")  
  
"Tatsuya?")  
  
It's poised like a question, but there's certainty in the hurt in Taiga's eyes behind his mask, as if none of Tatsuya's earlier actions fit with Taiga's perception of him, none up until the gentleness in his kiss. Tatsuya wonders if knowing what had become of his hero will break him, or make him a better one. Either way, it's no longer any of Tatsuya's concern.   
  
("Don't come after me anymore, Taiga.")  
  
He lets his ice take him away, in no hurry to escape because Taiga's still far too stunned to come after him. Maybe it hadn't been fair, toying with his emotions like that, but Taiga should know by now, after all the times Tatsuya's told him, that he shouldn't expect life to be fair.


	5. dirrty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for [this](https://sportsanime.dreamwidth.org/21522.html?thread=10927122#cmt10927122) prompt.

Taiga reads over his message to Tatsuya, ready to hit send, any minute now. He has a staredown with Tatsuya's picture, and along with the picture itself the little dragon and basketball emojis beside his name seem to stare back at Taiga in mockery. There's no problem; why would there be a problem? He's thinking too much and he just isn't good at that—better to leave it to the people who are better at it, like Tatsuya, except he can't really ask Tatsuya when it's  _about_ Tatsuya, either. Alex would've been his next bet, but he'd rather give up burgers forever than let her find out about this (God forbid Tatsuya's already told her.)  
  
So here he is, stuck with himself and the text he's carefully composed to give Tatsuya the rundown: 'TATSUYA WHAT THE FUCK'  
  
After another moment's deliberation, he deletes the whole thing.   
  
It's just like Tatsuya to put him in this situation, between a rock and a hard place (pun unintended.) Tatsuya, who shows up in Taiga's life when he needs it and sometimes even if he doesn't; Tatsuya, who Taiga has looked up to since he was nine years old and will continue to even when he reaches ninety; Tatsuya, who is beautifully unruffled as always even after Taiga has just watched a stranger in a pizza delivery uniform slap his cock across his cheek.  
  
None of this was supposed to happen. It was supposed to be a regular  _alone time_  session, watching regular cheesy gay porn and having a regular, somewhat disappointing orgasm. It wasn't supposed to involve feeling a jolt in his dick upon seeing a familiar hairstyle in the sidebar, and subsequently feeling it stand to attention when he follows the link to a video of the prettiest guy he's ever seen, Tatsuya nonwithstanding, licking his lips in front of a very large dick.   
  
Then the guy speaks, and instead of deflating like a pricked bouncy castle, Taiga's own dick hardens to comical levels instead.  
  
"What a lovely surprise you have here," says the Tatsuya on screen, which is around the time Taiga frantically clicks the browser's exit button and puts his head in his hands, closing his eyes to avoid seeing the undeniable tent in his crotch.   
  
Half an hour later, he's got his phone in his hand, all sorts of excuses coming to mind about why he can't just tell Tatsuya, in plain and certain terms, that he saw him about to give head on the internet.   
  
For one, he'd be admitting to watching porn, which Taiga has never been able to vocalize even in high school locker room. And what if Tatsuya never meant for anyone to find those videos? What if they'd been a phase, or a side job, or  _regret_  from his past he doesn't want unearthed? Wouldn't that be a horrible violation of privacy or something?  
  
Taiga puts his phone down and starts a staring contest with his laptop instead. Does he actually have to tell Tatsuya? Can't he just close the tab and pretend it never happened? Or, can't he just get off on this, guilt-free, and  _then_  pretend it never happened?  
  
Before he can really come to a decision, his hard-on, and the hand that goes to grab it from under his boxers, makes up his mind for him. With his whole face on fire, he maximizes the browser and hits play, again.   
  
God, Tatsuya really is pretty. He always has been, something Taiga's acknowledged in the back of his head but at the forefront chalked it up to just Tatsuya being Tatsuya, and he'd be lying if he said he hasn't thought about this—thought about it more times than he can count—when he was younger, and maybe thought about it some more even when they'd grown. It's just impossible not to, when Tatsuya does all these little, intentional things to mess with people, like drag his tongue across his wrist to clean up some dripping ice cream the way he's doing with Pizza Guy's cock, occasionally making eye contact with the camera.   
  
Taiga would like to say he lasted at least a full minute, thinking of Tatsuya's mouth on his dick instead, but even thirty seconds would be pushing it. He comes into his hand, cheeks warm and pulse pounding, at the sight of the bulge in Tatsuya's throat when Pizza Guy thrusts in deep, Tatsuya's moan still resounding in his ears.  
  
Such damning evidence of his guilt is too much to handle, hot and sticky on his skin. He reaches for tissue on the side of the desk and wipes himself clean, though he can only assume his face is still as red as his hair.   
  
The video's still playing. Taiga presses pause, and, after a brief struggle with a weakened conscience, clicks around to bookmark it.


End file.
